Falling in Love With the Wrong Person
featured on the essential life
I've always been of a sunny disposition, right from a sweet age, my smile lit up the room. True enough, although I don't believe in my own beauty, I've never been short of a date. On a rare occasion I had two girls wanting to ask me out, one beat the other by only a couple of days.
I never used this to my advantage though & pretty much let my heart take me where it wanted. I guess I could have been picky if I wanted to but it's not really in my nature, everyone has their own beauty & sometimes it's nice to discover it. If you hold back from people using specific markers, you'll never discover them.
After coming out of a long & hard relationship, where it just wasn't possible to act like a normal couple (for medical reasons), I wanted more.
I craved the affection & physical bond with someone. That closeness. Walking hand in hand down the road. So I let myself be open to whoever may walk into my life & being a slight fate-ist, sure enough someone did. I had actually already met her, sort of. We played the same game on Facebook and she was already in my massive (1000+) friends list (my gaming account of course).
We only realised this when she sent me a message on a dating site & poof, there was already a connection in our lives. So we got to know each other more & went on a first date, nothing hardcore & in fact we didn't sleep together until our second date, weeks after. It was kind of nice, we had a laugh & had similar interests. We took trips together & explored places, I hadn't been out much in the last 4 years so she pretty much organised new adventures all the time. We grew quite fond of each other.
Issues of the Mind
Unfortunately the more I got to know her & see her regularly the more difficult it became. She suffered from Schizophrenia, Depression & Anxiety, a difficult mix to live with. Still I dated her because I believe that everyone deserves a chance at love, at being with someone. I could be that someone, I wouldn't know unless I gave it a chance.
It was hard going. She had mental breakdowns, outbursts, once I was stuck at her place for a week with my eyes closed due to having eye issues & she pretty much flipped out at having someone in her space for so long. She threw her laptop across the room & screamed, it was scary. She also heard voices & battled with them daily, we spoke about them very little though so as not to encourage them.
The biggest lesson I learnt from her, wasn't to block people out of my life because of their differences but to change how I deal with communication in a relationship. That was a game changer for me. She suffered so much but she was so incredibly intelligent & saw things differently, things we overlook. She taught me that talking about a problem straight away regardless of whether it was a good or bad topic, was crucial to good communication. She preferred to talk about things & just deal with them, which seemed quite antagonistic at first until you realised she was right.
Since then I have always tried to deal with issues as they arise, deal with things in the now. It means there's less dwelling, less hurt feelings & proper communication because you can open up to each other. Connect deeper. I have always given her credit for that.