Dreaming of the Future & Conversations Over Wine
featured on the essential life
We were sitting together on the kitchen floor - best friends brought together by the tragedy of hearts interpreting loss as rejection.
Dreaming About the Future
We sat there, the floor being the perfect place for our wine & cheese conversation about the future. We spoke about our dreams in wistful, distant terms. We spoke as if time was static & we would be in this place - an apartment in a bad area of town, no furniture to speak of, best friends forever barely able to scrape together enough money for rent - in that immobile place, our dreams would always be something to be grasped at but never attained.
Everything seemed so stationary. Everything seemed to be still & unmoving - the two of us, the trickle of time, that place, all of the things present in our life at that time - everything seemed as though it would always stay in this one position, & we would always be dreaming dreams of the future. We would always be dreaming dreams meant for grasping at but never for attaining.
It seemed as though we had all the time in the world for talking about & grasping at those distant, far away dreams. Getting lost in conversations about what we wanted to become seemed to be the closest we would ever come to being the things & the people we dreamt of.
The Passage of Time
He said something that night as we started our second bottle of wine.
He spoke with the sureness of divine enlightenment that can only come from the pleasant buzz of intoxication. It came at a quiet moment in our conversation. It was a moment when we'd been discussing the past & the people who had been there before, the people that had brought us together & the ghosts of relationships long dead.
We'd been rehashing happy memories we'd shared in those dead relationships, & we laughed about the awkwardness of our first double date & the times his romantic relationship intertwined with my own outwardly romantic relationship. We laughed at the memories of our time as "couple-friends". At the same moment, our laughter tapered off & it seemed the mourning of those ghost lovers washed over us bringing darkness to our wine-induced unguarded moment of candid memories of people we'd both banished to the back of our minds.
We were quiet for a moment, both of us sipping our ten dollar wine from the stemless wine glasses we'd bought at a steep discount thanks to the fact that the set of four were mismatched.
"You know," he started tentatively. "It's funny because I remember the time before her, & having someone like her love me seemed like it would never happen".
He seemed to have more to say, so I said nothing & waited, keeping the silence from becoming uncomfortable by topping up our glasses.
"It's funny how things can change. Everything changes. It happens fast. Who even knows where we'll be in a year, or even a month". He was right.
Times Changes All
It was a mere two months before our longtime friendship faded into nothingness, & another month before we parted ways indefinitely. We ended our time together as contemptuous roommates, our friendship & kinship a memory lost in disgruntlement.
I continued on from that time scathed by the loss of someone I felt sure was a permanent fixture in my life. I continued on from that time feeling sure that I was still only meant to grasp at things that I wanted, & my imagining of a time when my dreams would be realized was the closest I would ever come to seeing their fruition. I continued on from that time not sure of anything but that I was biding my time, treading water, remaining stationary & immobile.
I continued on from that time feeling like separateness was the only change I would ever create.
It's funny now, to look back on that time & that place. With only two & a half years between then & now, between there & here so much of that part of my past has melted away, but it's so much more than that.
Dreams Really do Come True
So many of the things that I dreamed of then - so many of the unattainable goals & wishes I would discuss only in drunken, late night, wine-induced conversations have become my life.
So many of the things I wanted for myself are sitting in my lap, touched by my hands & are a part of the life that I have made for myself. The only thing I can think to say about it is, "it's funny how things can change. Everything changes. It happens fast..."