9 Surprising Ways to Have Better Sex
As women, we tend to foist a slew of unnecessary expectations onto ourselves in the bedroom. Too often, we aren’t focused on enjoying ourselves because we’re too busy being worried about how we look, the noises we’re making & how much our partner is enjoying the encounter. With all of this worry clogging up our minds, each sexual encounter we have can feel more like a chore or a job than a pleasurable, exciting & titillating experience.
A healthy sex life is something we shouldn’t be depriving ourselves of. As women, it’s time we unleash our desires, embrace our sexual nature & find a way to enjoy ourselves in each & every sexual encounter. To do this, we need to make the change inside ourselves by letting go of these 9 things.
Things to Let Go of on the Path to Sexual Fulfilment
Making Sex All About Your Partner
While we’re not advocating that you become a selfish lover who is concerned only with your own enjoyment, we do want to encourage women to make sex about their own pleasure as well as that of their partner. Too often, we focus our sexual energy exclusively on our partner. We have sex when we may not be that into it. We behave differently during the deed than perhaps we want to. We place our partner’s sexual needs & desires above our own.
As we allow ourselves to head down this path, we suddenly find ourselves at a place where we’ve completely fallen out of touch with our own desires & sexuality. It’s at this point that sex becomes a chore &, once it’s over, it’s a relief to know you won’t be having to take care of that responsibility for a while. We allow all of the pleasure & joy of sex to drain out of us.
How do we take back our sexual desires?
We stop focusing on sex as something we’re doing for our partner. It’s not just about keeping your partner happy, it’s about making yourself happy too. Part of this means you’re going to have to accept that you are a sexual being & you’ll need to give yourself the space necessary to WANT to engage in sexual intimacy. When you allow yourself to want to seek sexual fulfilment & you allow yourself to act on these desires, sex becomes about you rather than just being about your partner.
Making Sex Into a Routine
There’s a method to sex, right? First, you start kissing. Kissing turns to touching. Touching gets heavier & hotter until it’s groping. It keeps going, warming both partners up until it’s time for the main event. That’s just the way sex goes, right?
It doesn’t have to be.
Looking at sex as routine adds to this idea that sexual intimacy is a chore. Locking your sexual encounters into this two-dimensional sexual recipe means we’re closing ourselves off to spontaneity & new experiences. Instead of looking at sex through the lens of the standard first base, second base, third base & then HOME model, approach your sex life from any angle that you want.
Placing Expectations on Our Bodies
A woman’s experience with arousal is markedly different from that of a man. For many women, actions which really got their motor going in the past can suddenly illicit no sexual response at all. Suddenly, intimate touching can lose its eroticism & in some cases, women even describe feeling pain when their partner touches their genitals, or even feeling nothing at all.
Meanwhile, men will almost always describe intimate contact with their penis as a pleasurable experience. For most men, sexual joy is directly linked to the stimulation of their genitals whereas women, in general, aren’t instantly aroused & ready to go the second our partner’s hand nears our nether region.
With this being the case, many women allow themselves to feel like there’s something wrong with their body. You’re attracted to your partner, you enjoy sex, but you find yourself just going through the motions when it comes to sexual intimacy. Something must be wrong with you, right
When you put pressure on your body & allow yourself to feel anxious about your level of arousal, of course you’re not going to be enjoying the encounter as much as you’d expect to. Instead, understand that each person experiences sexual arousal differently. When your partner touches you, allow yourself to let go of the worry of “am I enjoying this as much as I should?” Instead, keep an open dialogue with your partner. If something doesn’t feel good, tell them. When something feels great, make sure you tell them that too.
Expecting Our Arousal to be Consistent
As women, our bodies are in a state of constant flux & flow. Our moods are constantly changing, our hormones are always fluctuating. There is very little about our bodies that is consistent from one day to the next. Still, we tend to expect our arousal levels to be consistent.
We expect that a specific touch, a romantic gesture, or maybe even a specific day of the week, to serve as the driving factor in our level of sexual desire. The reality, however, is that nothing about our sexual desires, or level of arousal is consistent. When we place expectations on our bodies & demand that our sexual self behaves consistently, we are closing ourselves off to the joys of the natural ebbs & flows of our sexual desire.
Avoid trying to schedule sexual intimacy & don’t let you or your partner assume that there is a method, or a road map to getting you turned on. Instead, look at your arousal as a spontaneous journey & do your best to go with the flow.
Assuming There’s a “Right Way”
As women, we have a very real tendency to assume there is a right & wrong way of doing things. For most of us, we automatically assume that we are going about things the wrong way.
When we apply the structure of right & wrong to our sex lives, we are already applying far too much pressure to the experience. When we assume that we’re “doing it wrong”, this only serves to compound the problem.
In general, for sex to be enjoyable, we need to have the confidence to enjoy it. When we let our heads get in the way & start entertaining thoughts that we’ve made a mistake, the way we’ve moved our body is awkward, asking our partner to do a particular thing to us isn’t okay…when thoughts of this nature start entering our minds during sex, all of a sudden we become tense & self-conscious which prevents us from enjoying the experience.
Instead of worrying about doing things “the right way”, approach sex with an open mind & the understanding that each encounter is an adventure. Open your mind & allow yourself to enthusiastically experiment with your own enjoyment. Will experimentation lead to awkward encounters? Maybe, but more likely it will open doors to even greater excitement, enjoyment & intimacy.
Trying to Be Sexy
What is sexy? The chances are, each person’s answer to this question will be extremely different. We all have different things that float our boat. There is no standard definition of sexiness.
Still, as women, we have the propensity to try to live up to some imagined standard of sexiness. Maybe we attempt to model our own sexiness after women we’ve seen in lingerie advertisements, or, worse yet, the women we’ve seen in porn. As we engage in sex with our partner, we’re conscious of what we’re wearing, how our body looks in the room’s lighting, the sounds we make & the facial expressions that we make.
The trouble with modelling our sexual experiences after these imagined standards of sexiness is that, as we concentrate on these irrelevant aspects of sex, we’re losing sight of our own enjoyment & concentrate on turning sex into a performance.
Instead of investing yourself in the performance aspect of sex, focus on feeling good. It’s important to remember, your partner has chosen you because they’re attracted to you. They already find you sexy. What’s more, just like you want to bring enjoyment & pleasure to your partner, they want to do the same for you. The sexiest sex is when everyone involved is enjoying themselves, even if the experience isn’t just like what you’ve seen in porn (which, as a reminder, is faked).
Controlling the Experience
At some point, women seemed to have given into this notion that in order to enjoy sex, you need to be in control of what is happening. This notion that, in order to be a sexual vixen, a woman needs to be “large & in charge” between the sheets is an empowering one, & there is absolutely nothing wrong with dominance & taking control of your sexual experiences.
Still, if there is one take-away from this article, it’s that what works for one woman doesn’t necessarily hold true for you. Each woman’s sexual preferences are unique & that’s completely okay. Not all women are into dominance or control. If dominance & control don’t factor into your sex life, there’s no need to force it. If you prefer submissiveness, that’s okay too. Who you are in the bedroom doesn’t set your gender back or fly in the face of feminism. Quite the opposite in fact.
To truly enjoy yourself during sex, let go of this pre-conceived notion that you have a role to play in your own sex life. Like everything else we’ve talk about so far, preconceptions & expectations only add rigidity & discomfort to what should be a pleasurable experience for you.
Waiting for the Mood to Strike You
Sex only happens when you’re in “the mood”, right?
This must be true. After all, we talk at length about “Hot Tips to Get Him/Her in the Mood”, & read articles touted as “The 10 best Ways to Avoid Spoiling the Mood”…I’m sure I’m not the only who has turned my partner’s sexual advances down because I’m not “in the mood”.
This is similar to the black & white thinking of assuming there is a right & wrong way to have & experience sex. We assume we’re either in the mood for sex or we’re not in the mood for sex. If we’re not primed & ready to go, we mustn’t be in the mood, so we’ll skip sex for now.
What if I told you that sex can be enjoyable no matter what mood you’re in? Is your mind blown? It shouldn’t be. Waiting for the mood to strike us is another way that we regulate & limit our sexual experiences & enjoyment. Instead of limiting yourself to sex when you’re raring to go, allow yourself to give into sexual enjoyment when you’re tired, happy, sad or experiencing any other human emotion.
Of course, that doesn’t mean have sex when you absolutely don’t want to.
I once had a partner try to “put the moves on” after my beloved pet passed away. Not only was I not even slightly inclined to indulge in carnal pleasures at the time, I was deeply hurt that he found my sorrow to be an opportune time for sex. In this state, there was never going to be any enjoyment for me. When you genuinely feel disinterested in sex, you don’t have to force yourself.
I’ve also had a partner start amping things up while we cleaned up our kitchen after dinner. As an absolute nut about cleanliness, sex wasn’t anywhere in my head at the time, but as he kept playfully touching me & flirting with me, I let myself go & allowed my body to enjoy the experience. This was one of the best sexual experiences of my life & had I waited for a time when I was “in the mood”, it would have passed me by completely.
I wanted to end on faking orgasms because, in my opinion & experience, this is the worst thing you can do for your sex life. There are many reasons why faking an orgasm is so detrimental.
Faking an orgasm is another symptom of this idea that we are sexual performers. It’s a part of an act we’re putting on, all of which is carefully designed to give our partner pleasure. We want to show our partner that they’re desirable & accomplished as a lover, so we forgo allowing ourselves to experience the real thing in favour of staging an orgasm reminiscent of something we’ve seen in a porno, or seen in a movie.
Faking it has deeper ramifications than that, however. It serves to reinforce that what your partner is doing to you, the way they are touching you, kissing you, etc., is bringing you genuine pleasure. If you’re not enjoying the experience, or you just aren’t there yet, don’t pretend. You deserve to experience mind-blowing orgasms…the real kind, not the fake kind.
In my personal experience, there have been many reasons why I’ve faked it. In my first sexual relationship, my partner was extremely persistent. He insisted on going down on me until I’d reach orgasm. The thing was, he didn’t know what he was doing & I was too inexperienced to be anything but nervous, so I’d fake an orgasm so we could move things along. What made this problem even worse was that, the more I pretended to enjoy this experience, the more he wanted to repeat it & it became how we initiated every single sexual experience. This went on for the duration of the relationship & I never ended up having a single orgasm.
Instead of faking it, talk to your partner. If you want them to change things up a bit, let them know. You can even demonstrate for them the way you like to be touched, after all, who knows your body better than you? When your partner is touching you, gently take hold of their hand & guide them to where you’d like them to touch you & show them how you want to be touched. If they’ve found your sweet spot, let them know. Communication during sex is a wonderful thing.
It’s also important for you & your partner to accept that you might not reach orgasm every single time. While it is more common for women, most men also report having sexual encounters in which they didn’t reach orgasm. This is 100% okay. Sex is still an enjoyable experience. Instead of pursuing it for the payoff of an orgasm, train yourself to enjoy it as the experience that it is.
If you have any questions or comments about improving your sex life or sexual health, make yourself heard in the comments below. You can also reach us via email at info@TheEssentialLife.org. We would also like to invite our readers to make their mark on The Essential Life by becoming one of our contributors. If you would like to share your story, your words, & your wisdom with The Essential Life community, & you'd like to see your articles featured here on The Essential Life blog, please submit your articles here.